Beauty, Brains, and Beyond

Hey all! I’m in a slightly funky mood today. I’ve been totally bored all week, which is weird because I’ve also been totally busy! This morning I woke up feeling just a bit sexy and in a dancing mood….so not me!!! But I’m glad…after a long night it’s nice to feel a little bit crazy in a not so mental way

So I thought I would share just a little bit of what I have been up to. I’ve kinda been off the grid, so to speak these last few week….who knows, maybe longer. I seem to rarely get out of my house anymore, and just haven’t been in a talking mood. It sometimes makes me feel sad/lonely, but I’ve also been trying to soak in this period of quiet relationships in my life as a growth experience.

So with the lack of people around, or activities to go to, I have enjoyed spending more and more time with my Father I’ve soaked up most of the psalms along with random bits of the New Testament. I have been amazed at the love He shows me. The things he teaches me, and the peace I find there.

Relaxing is going better, although still a long way from learned. I have been trying to spend more time just sitting in quiet, going outside, listening to music, and working with yarn.

Which brings to the next thing I have been crazy busy working at: An etsy shop. I have been knitting and crocheting like an addict. My goal is to complete one project a week, with the hopes of opening a shop by the end of summer. So far I have about half a dozen projects done….and plans for a lot more. Cowels, Scarves, Hats, and baby blankets oh my!

I have been trying to have more fun with my writing too. Short stories, poems, and letters. In addition to the ideas floating around in my head….I’m forming some interesting things in there, I tell ya!

My baby girl’s last day of school is today, and she will be 6 years old this next week!! I totally can’t believe it! So the thought of having her around again all summer was a bit over whelming, which means I have a plan! Goals for her, goals for me….crafts, projects, things to keep her busy. Guess we will see how that goes! I also have to get my butt in gear for her birthday. She wants dresses for her American Girl doll….I have had plans to make her a few hippy style, but so far haven’t started! Thankfully, that is not the only gift! A bike, (thanks to an awesome friend finding one at a garage sale!) a pair of shoes for her doll (resale, love it!) and comic books (also resale) What more could a girl ask for?

Well, I’m on the run again. Gotta pick my girl up from the bus.

But just one more thing I’m having fun with right now…..I dyed my hair purple! Because of the lack of several bleachings my hair starts purple at the roots and fades into shades of red and pink. The dye on my skin I could do with out….but yup, I rock!

Hope you are all having a beautiful day!

What Do You Love About Him?

What do you love about Jesus?

This question has been running through my mind all week. I know that I love Jesus, but why?

To answer this question I started thinking about WHO he is….and what he has done in my life. What he did in scripture. His words started tumbling through my mind. I began wondering what it was about Him that I loved, and of course how to live out those things in my own life.

I’m still answering this question….everyday.

So, think about it, and tell me…..what do you love about Jesus?

On Trying To Rest

These last few months (five to be exact) have been extremely stressful for me. I have been walking through some of the hardest things that I have ever had to face, and quite honestly I haven’t always handled it well.

In the beginning I did fine. Maintained self-control, showed an unbelieveable amount of grace, and love. Then I started to crumble. Slowly at first, then very, very quickly. I had no control. Laugh, cry, scream, hyperventilate….any emotion could come at any time! My

What is a girl to do? I felt like I was going crazy. I was trying to work on restoring the broken pieces of my life, but I wasn’t done breaking. A few weeks ago I hit crazy. I called my mom, and she said rest. My husband he said, rest. I tried. I really did. But I have not been very good at the resting thing for years now. I need to be busy. If not in body, at least in mind. I have filled up notebooks, I have turned thoughts in my mind. My husband used to say that he could even hear the wheels turning while I slept. I tried yoga…I tried reading a novel…I tried writing….I tried a walk….I tried video games (boy that was a mistake!)

As I sat in the counselors office the next week with my husband we explained to him that I just could not get past all the stress, all the fears that I had acquired over the past months, and the feeling that I was totally going crazy. He said rest…..aahhh!!! We practiced breathing. We threw around ideas. We went over my day….and he pointed out all the ways that I was pushing myself to hard, and just needed to rest/relax. We talked about my lovely OCD tendencies that were becoming more and more apparent.

So the next week I tried again. I traded out my 3 heavy bible studies that I was working on every day for a huge stack of criminal novels. I started breathing, and yoga on a semi regular basis. I traded a spotless house for a mostly clean house and some movie/knitting or nap time. I uncluttered the areas of my house that overwhelmed me every time I looked at them. I spent more time talking, and less journaling. I tried focusing on just getting 3 goals done each day, rather than EVERYTHING on my list.

Then another very hurtful, stressful situation hit….and I cried…for days. So I called the doctor’s office. Told them about my past five months, the stress, the emotions, and the fact that I believed I was going crazy. They seemed to agree! I was put back on my medication for OCD. My anti psycho pills we call them. They help ease the anxiety. I haven’t been on anything for it since the loss of our baby 4 years ago. Traumatic events….that’s what does me in!  I think I might now be returning to a somewhat normal amount of crazy

I am still trying to rest. Still trying to breathe. Read. Yoga. Knit. Walk. Ya know, rest.

I am still healing.

The Word speaks many times about rest. So why is it so hard!? I have no answer here.

I want to tell you about one more crazy thing on my journey of learning to rest. This is exciting.

A few days ago, I was home alone, like I am every afternoon. I was laying on my couch…reading a book, and I got very tired (normal for me when I read laying down!) So I put the book down, and lay there. I stared at the big tree out my living room window. Then I suddenly realized that I had been laying there, looking at the beauty of this tree for probably about ten minutes, and nothing popped into my head! Not a single thought, worry, fear….nothing. I was just looking at the tree! Now my husband pointed out that it could have been 30 seconds for all I knew….but I didn’t care. I was so happy I could have cried. For the first time in months, and months I was not freaking out, over thinking, or even feeling the hurt.

Ok, so it was exciting to me

So, I’m still working on this thing called R & R. If you have ideas, I am more than open to them!!! I am not done healing. But I want to continue this journey with as much grace, and peace as possible. So that is where I am now.

Still healing.

Trying to rest.

Attempting not to be crazy….although a little crazy can be good right?

 

 

Messed Up

I have been racking my brain for weeks, trying to come up with something deep and meaningful to post here. It has been months since I’ve posted anything and I’m sure that most people think I’ve fallen off the earth. Really, my whole world has changed. I have been thinking of all the many topics that have covered my life in the last few months, and what I could share with you that would be helpful, challenging, or even life changing  for you. I’ve thought about all the things I could tell you that Father has been doing. I could tell you about all the ways I have fallen, and the grace that is picking me up. I could tell you about the hurt. I could even tell you about all the many, many changes in me, in my life, in my relationships…..but really, I feel shy. I feel like keeping it all in. I feel like if I talk, I’ll say to much. If I cry, I’ll flood the place. If I laugh, I’ll never stop. I guess I feel out of control, and this is one thing I can control. What I say here. Yet, I feel like talking-writing-being ever open.

So part of me wants to spill it all. Right here, right now. Yet, part of me wants to stay quiet, sip my latte, breath….and say, if you want to know what is on my mind….lets go to the coffee house. I’m open.

I don’t mean to sound anti-social. I really don’t. I am open for conversation…..I am also just changing, and learning, and trying to be….  I need people. Crave people, love, someone to listen.

So that is where I am at. That is what I can say. It’s not deep, or dark, or light hearted, or creative. It’s just me. Confessing to change. Confessing to learning. Confessing to not being all I wish to be…yet. Confessing a need to be withdrawn, and yet a need for people. Maybe, I’m just confusing you

Really, all I can say is…..I am completly and totally messed up. I am not gone, but I no longer know what to say. I crave to write, but my reasons for not are beyond what I can post here. This is me.

Completly.

Totally.

Messed.

Up.

(How’s that after months of silence? )

I’m Still Here

I’ve been having a hard time writing lately. Can you tell? There have been some fun days, funny things, and heartfelt moments in the last few weeks. But there has also been so much personal struggle.

I think I can honestly say that I haven’t run into this much emotion coming out in several years. The last thing I remember having this hard of a time with was my miscarriage. So here I am again, and I could tell you all the fun stuff, but really I want to write out my pain. That has always been my “go-to” in the hard times, write, write, write.

Yet I don’t want this place to become bogged down with me. I don’t want to use this place as dumping grounds for crappy emotion. I certainly don’t want to hurt or offend anyone who may be going through something opposite than me. I don’t always want to post the negative, hard, or doubting things. It makes me feel whiny. I hate whining and complaining just about as much as I hate it when I cry. (Just a note: other people crying ~ no problem what so ever, I encourage a good cry…..myself crying= loath it!!)

So if you are wondering where I have been…..yup, still here. Just work through, crying (grrr), thinking, and having some fun in between. God is doing something. I know He is. He just has to be.

I will attempt to pound out something profound, funny, heartwarming, or a bit random soon. Please be patient with me.

Other than spending time with God (obvious, although the best thing) what helps you through personal times of struggle?

The Loneliness of a Child

Tears flow, and she begs not to be alone. Can she please come in? Be wrapped in love, and not be alone? It’s what we all really want, isn’t it? To be loved. To be with. To be held.

An hour or so after the screaming, the crying, the beating of the door, those pleas to not be left alone break my heart.

I didn’t know. We prayed, we believed, and God gave. He gave a beautiful girl. More precious than anything I had ever been given. But, I didn’t know. I beg for forgiveness for something I can’t control. Something I could not have foreseen. For the loneliness of a little girl, only child. I always said “give me one Lord, that will be enough” How was I to know that would not be enough? Not enough for her.

When she says she wants to be with me, I understand. When she sobs that she doesn’t want to be alone, that is when my heart breaks. I sob with her. I hold her, and I question my God. I worry about her. I say that I’m sorry a million times over.  I fear what letting her go, and walking to my own bed will do to her.

Sleep comes difficult in our house. It always has. It is different now. We have reasons. We have words to explain the whys of her quirky ways.* But it doesn’t make it any easier. I wonder if letting her scream for us in the night will feed her anxiety. I wonder if she will withdraw tomorrow, feeling I don’t love her enough. I wonder if she will create a world I cannot see or understand inside her mind to cope.

We pray over and over into her ear. Try to give her a sense of comfort, and peace. Reminding her of the love Father gives her when she feels alone. It is of no help to her. I just want to help her. Yet, I am totally incapable to do so. The reassurance she needs in her time of fear, and alone-ness can only come from Him who is greater than all.

So now I sit close by. Computer, notebook, gratitude book, and Word. She is calm, for she knows I am not far. Worship music plays softly in her ear now. My heart feels like a storm brewing. Gray, cloudy, a sad raining of tears. I too seek His comfort.

*Note* My daughter has recently been diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. Along with that comes Hyperactivity, Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive tendencies.

To Lily

 

 

My love for you only grew from the time your heart beat beneath mine.

And when you birthed outside of me, my mind expanded wide with all the things I planned for you. All the ways I wanted to love you.

I grew as a woman, opening myself to you. Giving all I had, and wishing I could give more.

My dreams surrounded you.

Mothering became my life as it engulfed me in its messy ways.

You were everything, sinful yet perfect.

Not yet tainted or attached to this world.

Your play pulls me in. A fantasy world so creative and unlike my dull, dumbed down adult mind.

As you grew, your world became darker, filled with sadness, and loss, sickness, and pain.

We struggled you and I.

Struggled to maintain the joy. The passionate creative heart we once had. Connected together but separate.

Changed, you and I.

Changed, you, by circumstances unavoidable to you. Health, physical, mental, and all that lies in between.

Changed, I, through the failure in my mind and the hemorrhaging of my soul.

A life derailed kept us lost, apart, and undone.

The world had become snarky in the way it dealt with us.

Stunting our growth and pushing us down.

We have not yet fully recovered.

But the road rises, and the morning greets, and although the day is long we try again to live a full life.

I give thanks for all He does, and I teach you to pray, and even when the tears flow we cry together, and cry out to Him who heals.

You are beautiful my sweet child. Wonderful in so many ways. Gifted, and yet a gift yourself.

I forget.

To many times I forget that I am here to guide you, to love you and most of all to show Him to you. His grace through me, to you.

I forget how little you are. How breakable, moldable  you are.

I am sorry.

I see the amazingness that is you.

I give thanks for the daily love you and I share. With you wrapped in my arms.

I delight in the many crazy things you say.

You will not always want me, but you will always be mine.

We will not always have easy joy, but I will be grateful always for you.

We will struggle, but I will always be arms open, waiting to take you up in them.

We will not always have understanding, but I will always love you.

Mother I am.

Mother I will always be.